


Lazy Afternoon

by alchemicink



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Gen, Humor, evil swans, potato chips, take a drink every time Inoo sighs, we are approaching sitcom level shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 01:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4687265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alchemicink/pseuds/alchemicink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inoo just wanted a quiet afternoon. Daiki just wanted some socks. What they got was some shenanigans and a swan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lazy Afternoon

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write something really ridiculous and I've been watching a lot of sitcoms with my brother lately, so this is the result. I don't know if Inoo lives alone or still with his parents, but for the sake of this fic, let's say he's moved out. Also, I have a legitimate fear of swans. They're the most evil of all birds. My descriptions probably don't convey my level of terror though. lol And lastly, I apologize to anyone who actually likes Ugg boots. 
> 
> The present scenes are from Daiki's point of view while the flashback scene is from Inoo's. Just to clarify. 
> 
> Please enjoy~!

“Unless you'd rather try and fit in your sister's uniform, you should think of a better distraction,” Daiki said. He peeked out the closet door and frowned when he saw that the swan was still outside. 

“I don’t think me in a skirt is going to make much of a difference really,” Inoo said. The sound of clothing racks being pushed to the side echoed inside their cramped space. 

Daiki sighed as a shirt sleeve hit him in the back of his head. “What are you even doing?” He couldn’t see Inoo anymore in the dim closet light hanging overhead because he’d disappeared into the mass of his younger sister’s clothes. 

“Looking for an escape route to Narnia,” Inoo called out. “Just in case.” There was a muffled thump sound as Inoo searched the back wall for a magical doorway.

Rolling his eyes, Daiki just ignored him and peeked out the door again. Yep, the evil bird was still casually hanging out in Inoo’s sister’s bedroom. Daiki was tempted to just make a run for the door, but he wasn’t so sure the bird wouldn’t hiss and attack him in the process. 

“We are so screwed,” he complained. 

Inoo popped back out from the back, his hair now sticking up in odd directions from the static electricity of rubbing against all that cotton and polyester material. He gave Daiki a look. “To be honest though, this is _entirely_ your fault.” 

_Three Hours Earlier_

Inoo settled down onto the couch, making himself as cozy as possible because he didn’t intend on moving again for the next several hours. He opened his big bag of potato chips and flipped the TV on. Some mid-day soap opera was on featuring two guys who were apparently working out their differences through the power of bro-hugs. Inoo was about to flip the channel when he noticed a breaking news bulletin pop up at the top of his screen. 

_…breach at the local petting zoo. Several missing, none extremely dangerous but please use caution. Zookeepers are working diligently to round up all of the missing animals. There is no need for panic…_

Having already lost interest in the unexciting news, Inoo flipped the channel to some black and white samurai movie. Just as he was trying to figure out how much of the movie he’d missed, his cellphone rang. Daiki’s name flashed across the screen. 

“Hello?” 

“ _Let’s do something fun today!_ ” Daiki’s voice carried loudly through the speaker, making Inoo wince and hold the phone away from his ear. He shifted on the couch and turned the volume down a bit on the TV. 

“I can’t. I’m house-sitting for my parents while my sister is off doing something with her college friends.” 

“ _That’s okay. I’ll just come over there then._ ” 

“You don’t really have to do tha—”

“ _I’m already halfway there_ ,” Daiki’s voice chirped cheerfully. 

In exasperation, Inoo rubbed his hand across his face and immediately regretted it because he forgot that he had greasy potato chip residue on his fingers. “See you soon then,” he said. He ended the call and then tried to wipe his face off with his clean hand. 

He flipped the channel on the TV again while he was waiting for Daiki. It landed on some infomercial for fancy knives. The droning voice of the salesman was putting him to sleep. It was his day off, after all. No one would fault him for a nap. But about the time he’d just drifted off into comfortable slumber, the doorbell rang. Inoo sleepily glared up at the ceiling for a moment before he gathered up the energy to roll himself off the couch. 

He landed on the bag of potato chips. 

The doorbell rang again, this time accompanied with Daiki’s impatient knocking to the tune of _Weekender_. Inoo picked himself up off the floor as he casually kicked the bag of crushed chips under the coffee table to deal with later. 

He opened the front door and Daiki was, of course, standing there with a wide grin and an enthusiastic wave. He had a gym bag slung over his shoulder. “Hello bestie!” he greeted. 

Inoo was about to respond, but then he caught an overwhelming whiff of something that smelled terribly like sweaty socks. “Ugh,” he grimaced and instinctually slammed the door shut to block it out. 

“That’s not a nice way to greet your friend,” Daiki’s voice came muffled through the wooden door. 

Inoo cautiously opened the door back up and Daiki forced his way inside before Inoo could stop him. He pulled the gym bag off his shoulder and set it down, stretching his arm afterwards. 

“Why does everything smell like dirty socks?” 

“Oh,” Daiki shrugged. “I guess I’m so used to it I can’t really smell it anymore.” He unzipped the bag to reveal a multitude of multicolored socks. Inoo took a step back as the wave of unpleasant sweaty sock smell hit him. 

“I’m doing this experiment thing for a _Hirunandesu_ VTR,” Daiki began to explain. “Or well, it hasn’t exactly been approved by the staff yet, but I think it’s a sure thing. It’s a nice change of pace from all the food reports at least. So anyway, can I borrow your socks? And your parents’ socks? Maybe your sister’s too?” 

“Um…” Inoo needed a moment to process the weird request. “Where did all these other socks come from?” The smell emanating from the bag was really rank, and Inoo’s nose was starting to burn. 

“Oh you know…” Daiki scratched his head as he tried to remember. “My brother,” he began to list them all out as he counted them off on his fingers. “Keito and Yamada, that weird camera guy from Fuji Terebi, our manager, that crazy guy who lives under the bridge…” 

“Do these people _know_ you have their socks?”

“Well… most of them do…” Daiki’s eyes darted around the room and he added a nonchalant shrug which only served to make him seem guiltier.

Inoo frowned and opened up a window to get some fresh air inside his parents’ house. “You can have my socks I suppose, but not anyone else’s. Okay?” He shuddered to think how scandalized his mother would be if she found out he had dug her socks out of the laundry basket and given them away.

“Are those clean socks?” Daiki asked, pointing down to the simple white ones that Inoo was wearing on his feet.

“Yeah, I just put them on.” Inoo reached down to pull one off, but Daiki waved his hands to stop them. 

“They have to be sweaty…” he began to explain but then withered under Inoo’s fierce gaze. “…for science.” His voice squeaked meekly.

Inoo opened his mouth to ask but then thought better of it. Whatever it was, he didn’t want to know. “Should I, like, run in place or something?” He was just joking but Daiki nodded gravely as if Inoo had been serious.

Inoo sighed. This was more physical activity than he’d intended on doing during his day off. Reluctantly, he took a step from the hardwood floor to the living room rug because that would be easier on the soles of his feet as he jogged in place. 

“Don’t make me do this alone,” Inoo complained. He’d done a lot of weird things but he didn’t ever expect to be jogging in the middle of his parents’ living room. At least Daiki hadn’t asked to borrow his underwear or something. 

Daiki scoffed. “Please. I’m not doing any sort of exercise on my day off.” 

Inoo immediately quit running and grabbed the nearest pillow off of the couch. He got Daiki right in the face, feeling satisfied with the muffled _oof_ that accompanied it as he caught him off guard. He then inspected his socks but unfortunately they were as fresh as when he’d first put them on. 

“We need a new plan,” Daiki declared as he rubbed his sore face. “We’re gonna need some heavy boots.” And before Inoo could protest, Daiki had wandered off to another part of the house. 

“Aki has boots, right?” Daiki asked as he opened the door to Inoo’s sister’s room. 

“I don’t want to wear her boots!” Inoo really wished his father hadn’t thrown out his snow boots a few months ago. They were probably too big for his feet but still infinitely better than whatever Daiki was going to find in his sister’s closet.

“These will work,” Daiki said, pulling out a pair of pink Ugg boots. He triumphantly raised them up towards the ceiling as if he’d just found a priceless gem in an ancient temple. “All this fur will definitely make your feet sweaty.” 

“No.” 

Daiki pouted. “But it’s for my experiment. It’s _for science!_ ” 

“ _No._ ” 

“But I need it.” Daiki sniffed and his eyes started watering. Inoo knew he was faking it but he just never could say no to Daiki with that face. 

“You’re the worst best friend in the history of best friends,” Inoo declared as he took the ugly boots from Daiki’s outstretched hands. The boots were soft and probably comfortable but he knew they were going to look ridiculous on him. Curse the fact that he and Aki wore the same shoe size. 

Daiki’s face broke out into a wide grin. “You mean _best_ best friend.” He pulled out a thick winter fur coat and threw it on Inoo’s shoulders. Apparently the sweatier he would be, the better. “Let’s go outside!” 

Inoo walked slowly in the unfamiliar shoes as Daiki guided him to the front door. He pinched his nose as they passed by Daiki’s collection of socks on the way out. Once outside, Daiki pushed him directly into the sunlight and right in full view of any neighbors nearby. Wrapped up in heavy winter clothes in the August heat was quite uncomfortable, he quickly realized. 

An elderly lady walking her pet poodle slowed down as she trekked down the sidewalk in front of the Inoo house, not even trying to hide her blatant judging stare. Inoo put on his best idol smile and gave her a friendly wave. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Takahashi. Lovely weather.” 

She continued to glare at him for having the audacity to wear pink furry boots in public. 

“We’re doing a science experiment,” he called out and waved again as she walked towards her own house and out of sight. He sighed once more, drooping his shoulders under the weight of fatigue and the heavy coat. “Great. Now she’s gonna tell everyone I wear my sister’s clothes again.” 

“Again?” Daiki raised one eyebrow at him. 

“It was one time and I was seven and no one can prove anything!” 

“Uh-huh.” Daiki edged away ever so slightly to avoid Inoo’s arms as he flailed in frustration. “Well, think happy thoughts,” he continued. “It’s so hot, your feet will be very sweaty soon.” He wiped away a few beads of sweat from his forehead, and he was lucky enough to be wearing a light T-shirt and shorts. 

“Fantastic.” He used his best deadpan voice in response. 

“How do you feel?” 

“Like the witch from _Hansel and Gretel_ managed to stick me in the oven. Or I’m lying in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Or I went swimming in a volcano. Or I’m leading an expedition on the surface of the sun!” His voice had risen up a few levels in exasperation, but he quieted down once he saw another one of his elderly neighbors walking by with a bag of groceries. She made the same face as Mrs. Takahashi had, so Inoo once again waved and said hello. “Hi Mrs. Sato! Just doing a science experiment! Nothing weird to see here!” 

Mrs. Sato half-nodded with a confused face and then scurried off, probably to gossip with the rest of the neighborhood. 

“I give up. Let’s go back inside,” Inoo said, doing his best Grumpy Hikaru impression. He seriously was beginning to feel like an ice cream cone that had melted into a puddle. He immediately shed the coat and boots as soon as he made it inside, and then made a beeline for the kitchen so he could stick his head in the freezer. 

“I’m sorry,” Daiki apologized. “I didn’t know you cared so much about what the neighbors think.” 

“I don’t,” Inoo said as he enjoyed the blast of cold air caressing his face. Sure, he was nose-deep in a bag of frozen peas but he didn’t really mind at the moment. “I care that they’ll tell Aki that I was wearing her clothes without permission and then she won’t let me borrow her sweaters anymore.” 

“What?” 

“What?” Inoo repeated back, trying to cover what he’d just let slip. 

“Your sister’s sweaters?” Daiki looked only half as surprised as he should have been. 

Inoo put a hand to his friend’s forehead and pretended to check his temperature. “Maybe you got heat stroke out there and are hallucinating. I didn’t say anything.” 

Daiki waved his hand away and thankfully let the question drop for the moment. “Let’s check your socks.” 

With a reluctant sigh, Inoo removed his head from the freezer so he could check his now-bootless feet. He and Daiki both frowned simultaneously as they realized the socks were still completely fine. Not an ounce of sweat to be found. 

“How is that even possible?” Inoo complained. The rest of his body was covered in a gross sticky sheen of sweat. 

“What is your secret to non-sweaty feet?” Daiki asked. 

“I wish I knew.” He grabbed the boots and coat and went to return them to Aki’s closet. “Because if I knew, I would stop it so we could be done with this silly project by now.” He opened the closet door and placed the items back exactly where they had been before so maybe she wouldn’t notice. Mrs. Sato didn’t remember things very well anyway, so there was a chance she’d forget about the whole thing, and Mrs. Takahashi was technically legally blind, so maybe no one would believe her. Then Inoo could deny anything ever happened and all would be right in the world. 

“Are your feet like that during concerts because if so, I am completely jealous,” Daiki complained. But before Inoo could answer, Daiki let out a startled shriek and pushed Inoo into the closet. 

“What the hell?” He opened the door that Daiki had slammed shut and saw a swan casually strolling out from the other side of Aki’s bed where it apparently had been hidden from view when they’d walked in. He slammed the door shut too. 

“There’s a swan out there,” he said. 

Daiki flipped on the dim closet light. “I know.” 

“Now what do we do?” 

“We… wait?” he suggested. 

_Present_

“To be honest though, this is _entirely_ your fault.” 

“How is it _my_ fault?” Daiki complained. “I didn’t make it escape from the petting zoo. I didn’t leave the window open to let it come inside.” While waiting in the closet, they had speculated that the petting zoo was the only reasonable explanation to where the bird had come from and the window Inoo had opened to air out the house was the most likely point of entry.

“But you’re the one who brought those smelly socks into my parents’ house. Shame on you.” Inoo pointed his finger at him and scolded him like a five-year-old. 

Daiki was pretty sure that still didn’t mean it was his fault, but he let it go because he was sure Inoo was going to start poking him in the face with the finger any minute now. And then… yep, there it was. Inoo’s index finger got dangerously close to his eye, so Daiki ducked and lost his balance. He stumbled, bounced off the wall, and then landed hard on something sharp. 

“Oops,” Inoo giggled. Perhaps hiding in an enclosed space for a long amount of time was getting to his head. 

Daiki reached down to pull out whatever he was sitting on. He winced as he realized it was a bright red stiletto heel. Doing a quick sweep with his hand, he found the match to the shoe nearby. With both pointy shoes in his hands, he tilted his head ever so slightly while thinking. 

“So… since you don’t want to distract the swan by wearing your sister’s skirt,” Daiki began, resisting the urge to smirk. “And since there’s no door to Narnia back there.” 

“I’m very disappointed,” Inoo cut in.

“I may have an alternative solution.” He handed one shoe to Inoo and then tapped on the thin spiky heel. “We can defend ourselves with these as we make our dramatic escape.” 

Inoo narrowed his eyes as he considered the suggestion. Daiki would admit that it wasn’t his best one (although it was infinitely better than Inoo’s original suggestion to “wait for the ground to open and swallow them up because the universe hated him.”) But they had to think of something because the “just waiting in the closet for it to go away” plan was obviously not going to work. The swan had really settled in. It sort of reminded Daiki of Chinen whenever he’d make himself comfortable anywhere in their dressing room. 

Inoo puffed out his cheeks before letting out a long sigh. “Let me get this straight. We take these stilettos to defend ourselves when we run like hell out of here?” 

Daiki nodded. “Yep. From personal experience, I’ll have you know it really hurts to get hit in the face with a stiletto heel.” 

“What?” 

“Did I say that out loud?” Daiki said, realizing his mistake. 

“Nevermind,” Inoo shook his head. “I just want to get the evil bird out of this house.” They’d taken to calling it the “evil bird” because it had hissed at them a few times and there was a devilish glint in its eye whenever the light hit them just right. That also, strangely, reminded Daiki of Chinen, and he shuddered involuntarily at the thought. 

“On the count of three?” Inoo suggested and he reached slowly for the door handle. He gripped his stiletto heel like it was a dangerous grenade about to go off. Daiki nodded and Inoo began to count. “One…”

But Daiki thought the element of surprise would work better, so he dashed out the door as Inoo was drawing out “twoooooooo.” He heard a muttered “are you kidding me?!” as Inoo followed out behind him. 

Daiki let out a fierce warrior yell and sprinted towards the door to the hallway, bouncing off the doorframe as he went. Inoo was right behind him, hands on his back pushing him forward faster. They both slipped and stumbled as their socks made it difficult to keep traction on the hardwood floors. Behind him, Daiki could hear the sound of the swan squawking followed by a thump of something colliding with the wall. But he was too panicked to check what it was. 

He reached the metaphorical fork in the road: to his left was the kitchen and in front of him was the living room. Trying to catch the creature off guard, he made a split-second turn to the kitchen. Inoo rushed in behind him and they watched as the swan continued past them and into the living room. 

They both sighed in relief. 

“Where’d your shoe go?” Daiki asked once he realized Inoo’s hands were empty. 

“I panicked,” Inoo said as he struggled to regain his breath. He peeked cautiously around the corner and then nodded. The swan was still there, but at least now it was closer to the front door. The creature was actually nibbling at the potato chips from the bag Inoo had left on the floor earlier. 

“That’s funny. Swans like potato chips apparently.” Daiki leaned back and considered another idea that was formulating in his brain. They were so close to getting the wayward swan out of the house. All they needed was to point the swan in the direction of the front door. He strolled across the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets. “Do you have another bag of potato chips?” 

“Now is not the time for snacks,” Inoo complained but pointed him towards the stash in the cabinet by the refrigerator. 

Daiki opened up the bag and then put it Inoo’s hands. “No, I have a plan.” 

“Is it as horrible as all your other plans have been so far?” 

“Possibly more so,” Daiki grinned. Except for the evil bird in the house, he was actually sort of enjoying this crazy adventure. If nothing else, he was enjoying Inoo’s reaction to everything. It wasn’t often that he got to see Inoo as the flustered one. 

“So what’s the plan?” Inoo’s words came out all muffled since he’d just shoved a bunch of potato chips in his mouth. 

Daiki pointed down to his bare feet and then to Inoo’s sock-clad feet. “Stop eating the plan,” he said and swatted Inoo from stress-eating the potato chips. “You’re still wearing your socks, so you can quietly slide around the floor and leave a trail of potato chips to the door. And then just lead the swan right outside.” He wiggled his fingers to demonstrate the motions. 

“You’re a crazy person,” Inoo said with another mouth full of potato chips. “You want me to go out there with that thing? What if it attacks me? How are you gonna explain my tragic death to the rest of the group?” 

“Probably through some diagrams and charts,” Daiki joked. 

Inoo scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re terrible at drawing things. No one would understand any of it.” 

Daiki ignored that and checked on the swan again. It was still happily eating the potato chips “Better get moving. This swan is like Chinen. Apparently, it can’t pass up an opportunity for free food.” 

“I’m gonna tell Chinen you said that,” Inoo whispered snarkily as he slid on the wooden floor into the living room. 

Daiki watched as Inoo slowly eased his way around the living room, pausing now and then when he thought the swan caught sight of him. He carefully spread a trail of potato chips towards the front door. He accidentally stepped on one and it crunched loudly under his foot. He froze and Daiki held his breath too. But the swan didn’t seem to notice. After what seemed like days, Inoo finally reached the door and opened it up, leaving an exit for the evil bird. Still feeling a bit frantic, Inoo tossed the rest of the potato chips outside and then dashed as fast as possible back to the kitchen. He was as graceful as a world champion ice skater as his feet slid back across the floor. 

“Good job!” Daiki gave him an enthusiastic thumbs up. 

“Because of you, I’m gonna have to spend the rest of the day vacuuming up crumbs before my parents get back home.” But Inoo still sighed in relief as the swan followed the potato chip trail out of the house. 

“Well this has been an exciting afternoon with some… unexpected detours,” Daiki said as he picked up his smelly gym bag from the living room floor. “How are your socks?” 

Inoo looked down. They were still not sweaty (amazingly), but now that he had been gliding around the floor, they were at least coated with dirt and potato chip crumbs. 

“That’s good enough for me.” Daiki grinned. He ducked as Inoo chucked the socks at him. “Thank you~” He used his best sing-song voice for maximum annoyance. 

“This is still all your fault,” Inoo said as he began to clean up some of the mess. 

“On the bright side,” Daiki said as he slipped his shoes back on. “It could have been something worse than a swan.” 

“Go awaaaaaay,” Inoo complained and then shooed Daiki out the door just like the swan itself. “I have to clean everything and water Mom’s plants before they get home tonight.” 

Daiki stopped on the welcome mat and faced his best friend again. “Soooo… what you’re saying is… I have to wait until later tonight before I can come over and hang out at _your_ place.” 

“Leeeeeave.” Inoo slammed the door shut. But Daiki knew better. He waited a moment. The door creaked back open just a tiny bit. “You can come over at 11pm. Bring rice. Don’t bring your sock collection.” And then the door was shut for good. 

Daiki laughed as he began the trek back home, keeping a close eye out for any escaped animals on the way.


End file.
